It may seem strange to be hearing from me so soon. I am still in a state of shock and disbelief, and I am not ready for much one-on-one communication. But, as my dear friend said to me a few days ago, there is no guidebook, so I’m making up my own rules, and I feel compelled to share this message with you.
We lost an amazing husband, father, and friend last week. My husband, Bob, passed away tragically and unexpectedly. To say he will be missed is nowhere near sufficient.
I will keep this short, but I want to try and give those of you who knew and loved Bob a little understanding. When someone takes their life, there is a whole other level beyond the grief. I know there are many questions, feelings of guilt and regret, and deep sadness. There can also be a gut-punch fear that if someone as brilliant, witty, and kindhearted as Bob could make such a choice, maybe nothing makes sense.
The truth is, he was very ill, and no one knew just how much pain and suffering he was experiencing. Not even me. In hindsight, it all looks clearer. He hadn’t been himself in a long time. We will never know the exact cause, but his cognitive abilities were declining, and I think it scared the hell out of him. Maybe it had to do with his stroke several years ago, or it could have been caused by another neurological event. Whatever the reason, he was really good at covering it, and it had to be exhausting. For someone once so capable and, I’ll use the word again because it is appropriate, brilliant, to not be able to figure things out and fix things, like he used to, had to be terrifying.
I hope this reaches some of you who may be struggling. People keep telling me to stop worrying about everyone else, but that’s not really in my nature, and it wasn’t in Bob’s either. He would not want anyone suffering because of him. And I cannot bear the thought of anyone thinking this was a selfish act. Everything he did was for his girls and me. We have zero doubt of his love for us, and he knew how much he was loved. Put away any guilt, anger, or regret you may be feeling and remember his kindness, dry wit, work ethic, and enthusiasm for life.
For anyone wondering about a service, Ella, Hailey, and I have decided to wait for warmer weather to have a Celebration of Life for Bob, probably late spring.
I will continue to use this platform to communicate. It’s the best way I know to try to reach everyone.
There are no words to convey the depth of gratitude I feel to my family, close friends, our staff, community, and people I have never even met. You have given a wealth of strength, security, and so much love to help my girls and me through this unbearable loss. I am forever humbled and grateful.
Much love to you all.